Thursday, December 9, 2010

Hunters Wanted. Do You Have What It Takes?

The outdoors is looking for a few good men and women. Specifically, the outdoors is looking for a few good men and women to fill the position of Hunter. This is a high-level, demanding position that requires a certain kind of person with specific qualities. In order to assist you in determining if you have what it takes to fill this position, we have summarized some of the primary qualities a hunter needs to have. Before applying, please read over the following list and it should help you determine if you have the right stuff. 

Necessary Characteristics of A Hunter 

1. Impeccable Fashion Sense 
The hunter must be able to dress in the appropriate camo for the situation at hand. Mixing camo is a definite no-no. Wearing Realtree AP with Mossy Oak Infinity is not the proper attire for the hunter. If you go to work wearing one black sock and one blue sock, you may not have the necessary fashion sense. 

2. Animal Identification 
The hunter must be able to instantly identify target animals. This is not as easy as it sounds. For example, can you tell the difference between a deer and a squirrel? They both have fur and they both live in the woods. Not so easy, huh? 

3. Promoting the Job 
While not a requirement, owning a truck is a big plus for the hunter. All of those decals look much better plastered all over the back window of a truck than they do on a car. Not only that, but you can put many more decals on a truck. Once the back window is full, you still have the tailgate and rear bumper. 

4. Impeccable Hygiene 
Your hygiene routine in preparation for a big date may leave something to be desired, but when preparing for a hunt, you must pay strict attention to personal hygiene. Are you prepared to shower with scent-free shampoo, wash with scent-free soap, brush with scent-free toothpaste, use scent-free deodorant, chew scent-free gum, use scent-free lip gloss, wash clothes in scent-free detergent, store clothes in scent-free bags, dress at the site, spray your clothes with scent killing spray, spray your equipment with scent killing spray, and then do it again when you get to the stand? 

5. Tolerate Long Hours 
The hunter must be able to endure long, grueling hours in the stand - perhaps as many as 2-3 hours at a time. While this may seem near impossible, it is generally acceptable to take breaks for certain things - to pee, eat, take a drink, stretch, smoke, check email, update Facebook status, tweet, check sports scores, make a call, pee again, etc. 

6. Ninja-like Skills 
It is imperative that the hunter have the ability to sleep in the stand without dropping anything that might spook game. Snoring is permitted if it sounds like a grunt call. The hunter must be able to continue listening to his or her surroundings while asleep and be able to wake with the reflexes of a cat

7. Marksmanship 
The hunter must have the ability to put as many rounds down range as it takes to drop the target animal. Preferably, all rounds should be in the same general vicinity.

8. Judging Distance 
While there are rangefinders for this purpose, being able to accurately judge distance by eye is a good skill to master. This will allow you to determine if you can get the job done with just 2 or 3 shots or if it's going to take every round you have (refer to marksmanship above). Plus, there's the added benefit of being able to accurately tell your buddies how far they're going to have to drag your animal. 

9. Excellent Physical Condition 
It is absolutely, positively mandatory that the hunter be in excellent physical condition. You have to be able to ride your ATV from the cabin door to the stand without running short of breath or having a heart attack. 

10. Survival Skills 
Wilderness survival skills are a must for the hunter. If you run out of Doritos, Slim Jims, jerky, and Mt. Dew, you must be able to fend for yourself until you can get back to camp on your ATV. 

11. Fearlessness 
If you're afraid of the woods, the dark, being alone, getting lost, strange noises, bunny rabbits, insects, wind pigs, bulls, beavers, being eaten by bears, Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, werewolves, vampires, the HillBilly Beast, chupacabras, Goatman, gargoyles, brown-eyed monster things missing a tan leg, or having chickadees land on your head, this probably isn't for you. You must have nerves of steel.

12. Creative Thinking 
The hunter must be able to think on his or her feet. If the hunt didn't go exactly as you planned, it is important when telling the story later that you can "fill in the gaps" and make it sound the way you wished it had turned out. 

13. Continuing Education 
The position of Hunter is an ongoing educational process. During the off-season, you must be able to devote hours, days, weeks, and even months to watching television shows and hunting videos. It is a necessary hardship in order to keep your skills sharp. 

These are the basic, yet required characteristics of a Hunter applicant. If you think you posses these characteristics, you may just have what it takes to join the ranks. 


Trey said...

After reading this, I'm pretty sure I qualify! Great post!

Ian Nance said...

I'm there...especially #'s 1 & 5

Nancy said...

This is hilarious and so true (believe me, I know from experience.) You really should submit this to one of the big hunting magazines for publication. It is that good!

Thanks for the chuckle this morning. :)

A Reel Lady said...

Well we all know my love for fashion, and well I AM a ninja. However my hygiene products aren't exactly deer friendly, and I prefer range finders over guestimates on distance. :)

texwisgirl said...

When I saw the title of your post, I knew it was going to be one of your great, well-written articles. By the time I got to the "scent-free" part, I was dying. I agree with Nancy - should be published in a national hunting/outdoors magazine. Of course, all your nifty links would be lost in the transition to hard print so it might have to be an e-mag version. :)

Love that hand-held nature i.d. thingy. I might need one of those here! :)

P.S. Exactly what are you doing to that turkey in the photo alongside? Looks a little personal to me...

Tovar said...

Too funny, Brian!

Albert Quackenbush said...

Brian, this is excellent! I am grinning from ear-to-ear. This is true on so many levels. Nicely done!

The Hunter's Wife said...

I don't think I have what it takes. ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh this post rocks my friend! Too funny and yet too true!

Anonymous said...

Ha! I just went back and re-read the comments and now I want to know that texwisgirl wants to know. What are you doing to that turkey???

LB @ brokenwoodenspoon said...

HA! Loving this I keep reading, I keep nodding my head YUP...YUP...YUP...hahah

larryb said...

Good stuff Brian! Funny, true and just bright read'n here buddy.

No ATV? Then ya gotta be able to haul around cool gizmos,scents,plenty many rounds and a big assed lunch, a Thermos of the black gold and oh ya, a big ol' thunderstick to drop the hunted with. :-)

Man, hunters ARE pretty darn Awesome eh, now that you've got all this stuff listed bro. A real chilly bunch...:-)


Dennis said...

What a riot Brian!...and thanks bud!!

My laptop has been down and out so I'm getting here a bit late...I can use my wifes netbook at times but the darn keyboard is no match for my anatomy...and I can have trouble typing as it is :/

I agree with the prev comments, this entry should be in a magazine somewhere (thumbs up)!!

crystal.cattle said...

Very good post, made be laugh. I never thought about all these things, but they certainly add up to a great hunter.

Dawn said...

Hehe...too good.
Guess I'm not quite cutting it.
But this SHOULD be published somewhere:)

Outdoor Blogger Network said...

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